When I first came out to my parents, it was a relief. I could finally tell the people I most care about that I love women and would most probably never get married to a man. Their reaction was unreservedly loving and accepting. It was actually quite a non-issue and I adore them for it. But, the rest of the world isn't always as accepting. My close friends at varsity always knew, but I don't see them often since I moved to a different province for work. I made new friends, but only recently felt I could be completely honest with them. I realize that I should trust my friends more - I just find it difficult to share feelings (I get a slight chill even just typing this :-). And this is where the different faces come in. Even thought my friends are very accepting, I sometimes feel very isolated. The lesbianess is there, but we never talk about it. Not that we should fly banners and join every LGBT support group. It just feels as if a huge part of me is someone only I know. The books I read, the shows I watch and the websites I peruse - most of them have some lesbian connotation which I don't feel like I can share freely.
The situation at work is a whole tsunami on its own - very conservative, very Christian values. On the one hand, I don't want to lie to people around me, but on the other I'm afraid it could ruin my career, on the third hand I'm angry that I'm forced to think like this - back and forth all the time. I want to have one face that everyone can see and which isn't judged by the fact I love women.
Small victories abound though. I am comfortable with who I am. I don't question myself too often and I like the person I've become. I'm living the life I want to. I have quite a couple of very close and unique friends. Life is short enough as it is - I will enjoy it! The world is my mollusc!
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| Extra hugs for such a serious post :-) |
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